I saw wedding pictures online today. They were beautiful. I rarely see pictures of Orthodox weddings, and this one was unusually lovely.
I didn’t know the bride or groom. They’re a gorgeous young couple who look like wonderful people, but I’ve never met them. Many of my Orthodox friends know them well. I know one of their bridesmaids, and I know or have met many of the attendees.
I don’t…I don’t want to whine. I am not intending to whine. So please, if it seems as if I am whining, tell me. I’ll try and rephrase to make it clear that I’m only trying to understand. Understand what? Well. That’s a tricky one.
I suppose the question is, “Why don’t I know them?” The couple, I mean. If I were a part of the Orthodox youth clan, this magical national group of people who know each other through church camps and conventions and babushka’s-neighbor’s-daughter’s-birthday party, I probably would know them. I’m not saying I’d be invited. (Guest lists have to be slim.) But I’d know them.
I did not have social skills as a child. (Some would argue I still don’t.) I didn’t have siblings, I homeschooled sometimes, I hung out with adults too much, and I moved a lot. I didn’t like to be teased, but was I ever an easy mark! I was the littlest of the big kids, and I was annoying to boot. So I didn’t fit in much.
And yet…if there’s a single community anywhere that I want to be a part of, this is it. This has always been it. I don’t mean I want to be best friends with that specific circle of people, although I’m terribly fond of the ones I know. It’s just that I can’t think of a group of people I like more than the Orthodox youth clan I know. They’re kind, and trustworthy. I feel safe around them. Even at my college–which anyone can tell you I love fiercely–I don’t necessarily feel that safe. I love the people there. They matter so much to me. Still, I don’t trust my classmates to notice if I’m hurting, to steer me away from dumb decisions, to keep me accountable when I skip church. That’s not to say they wouldn’t. But I won’t depend on them for that.
So. Whether because I moved a lot and wasn’t around, or because I was a brat, or for some other unknown reason, I was never completely a part of that “magical clan.” Now I’m less of a brat, and I live in Chicago–where there has to be hundreds of Orthodox youth–and somehow I’m still left out. I don’t make it to OCF much. I have a hard enough time making it to church even half the Sundays. I still feel awkward talking with people my age or slightly older. (Hand me a toddler or introduce me to an adult and I’m probably fine.) I’m here. I have the opportunities. I’m no longer intolerable. Nevertheless, I am still not a part of that community.
So maybe the real answer is I’m just scared.
