On Parents

A conversation I had today. It worried me a bit. I once dated this fellow, and now I’m rather glad that relationship’s been over for a while. His views on parenting are…well, not mine.

We started out joking about parenthood, because he said he’d never shell out $10 for a half-hour swimming lesson.

*

D: I would LIKE to think that I’d be a fairly lax dude.

Me: I hope not too awfully so.

D: Eh, possibly. I mean, I believe in people making mistakes.

Me: Of course. It’s just, most kids of strict parents manage to break away. most kids of overly lax parents end up staying undisciplined and self centered. From what I’ve seen anyway.

D: This may well be true. But I prefer to think of it as independance

Ding-ding-ding, warning bells are ringing.

Me: Independence is entirely different. (pause) I’m not sure what you mean, to be honest.

D: Well, if they are undisciplined and self centered, maybe they just always will think for themselves rather than following any other standards. And maybe that’ll work for them.

Me: I doubt it. Lack of discipline often means being unable to meet one’s own goals, and self-centeredness is obnoxious and leads to inability to hold good relationships–which for most people is a part of happiness.

*

Am I wrong here? 

My mom has always been so different from the “lax dude” D aspires to be. I was always allowed to screw up without feeling like I’d failed her or some such nonsense, and yet certain things were expected. I had to keep my promises. The world didn’t revolve around me. She didn’t say “yes” all the time––and when she did, it was often a “yes, but wait.” I remember waiting a full year for a My Sized Barbie, and as for mixed vegetables…well. I’d always ask for gum at the gas stations, and she’d almost always say no. If she’d said yes more often, I’d have felt entitled to treats. Shoot, I already felt entitled. It’s funny; now, even though it’s been a decade, she still offers me gum most times when we stop. It’s cute. 

I could take the classes I wanted and the extracurriculars I chose, assuming it wasn’t a huge inconvenience–and mostly, she’d go out of her way to help me. But she made it quite clear that her job was not to ensure my happiness, and that the world didn’t revolve around me. she cared. she always listens–maybe doesn’t give in, but listens.

I always thought the kids with lax parents seemed to feel the world was their litterbox. I prefer my mom.

She has always treated me like a person.